I started doing yoga a while back and I’m really mediocre at it.

I have to say this because the fact that I was not perfect the first day I stepped onto a mat after nearly twelve years came as a shock in a way that such a thing would shock someone like me. See I am one of those people who tends to be hard on myself when I attempt something for the first time and I am not 100% great at it.

I am shying away from the term “perfectionist” because it’s a word that makes me uncomfortable, it’s always made me feel uncomfortable. Even in instances when I was in the presence of people who I deemed to perfectionists I always felt really uneasy, as though they were counting every step I took just to tell me how I’d faltered in some way.

Of course I was projecting – most people are too busy dealing with the voices in their heads that they don’t even notice anyone else’s anything let alone whether or not they are planking correctly during a class. Anyway, I was telling you about yoga.

So I started doing yoga and it’s been really hard on me for a number of reasons the biggest two being the following:

I am team all in. I tend to throw myself into new things. I get all absorbed in it, it’s all I can talk about and think about for a long time and then the worst thing happens – I obsess about it so much that I want to do it every minute until I turn it into a chore. I noticed myself doing this with yoga and I am trying to stop myself from turning it into something ugly because I really like yoga. I like yoga like I like spinach and broccoli in that not only do I know that they are good for me but I genuinely enjoy them. Yoga makes me feel free, yoga makes me feel intentional (a big goal of mine), yoga makes me feel like I am doing something right and most importantly yoga reminds me to pause, take a deep breath and try to touch a higher level of myself.

I think in today’s world we all forget to stop and fill our lungs all the way to the brim and be grateful for the fact that we are still able to do that. We are always chasing the next thing; the next great job, the next opportunity, the next like, the next difficult pose, the next anything really. And I am no different. I like to run. I like to chase, I like to challenge myself, and I like to try and do more than my arms can hold or handle. Yoga reminds me that at the end of it there are only a handful of things, of values and of people that are deserving of the tight grips and tight hugs and that it all starts in my lungs. In every breath I carry my community, in every inhale I take in love and in every exhale I release love into into those who I hold dearly. So I am holding yoga very lightly, and trying my best to avoid squeezing the life out of it by obsessing and trying to be perfect.

Breathing. Pausing. Letting go. Every now and then throughout my day I have to softly remind myself to unclench my jaw. Sometimes I do it for a second then resume the clenching and other times my jaw remains unclenched for at least a solid five minutes. Either way it’s important for me because this little statement pushes me to interrogate exactly why my feet are constantly curled, why back is tightly wound and why my jaw is tense even when I am doing the menial task. Yoga is forcing me to sit, for at least thirty minutes and breathe and I appreciate that.

I appreciate being forced to breathe in an obvious way. I go through an entire day breathing but I never stop acknowledging it. I never stop to take stock on all that I am dealing with, I just sort of just deal and keep it moving. Which is raises the question of whether or not I am aware of what I am doing throughout my day or whether I am simply existing in a constant mode of autopilot. Yoga helps me pause, reflect and take stock off all I’ve done that day. And the best thing about it is that the number of times I get told to “relax my shoulders” is an extra reminder to simultaneously unclench my jaw and it’s always great to outsource.

I think the point of this post was to do what yoga is teaching me which is;

“Forget perfection, get on the mat” and I applying to that to my writing and journaling. Even if the words aren’t the best words to ever be put to paper – writing is better than not writing. It always feels good.

“Are you okay sis?” which is a reminder for myself to check in and be intentional with my actions even with my breath which seems pretty easy when you think about it but it’s actually not.

And lastly but definitely not least “not all that seems important is actually important” – something I’ve been trying to meditate on for 2019, digging deep within myself and finding what really matters.

Maybe yoga will help me with that, maybe it won’t be yoga and I’ll discover it one day sitting on my couch eating chocolate coated coconut flakes either way I am certainly enjoying breathing easy and taking stock of each day in downward dog, the world looks different from this angle.

🙂