I read Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In a while ago, probably a few months after it was first released in 2013. I found the book interesting and helpful at the time since I had big ambitions of becoming some big corporate powerhouse who would be jet-setting all across the world and who would obviously need to do a lot of leaning in in order to not only get there but to thrive once I made it there.

In my very foggy memory I remember agreeing with Sheryl’s perspective on romantic relationships because I had grown up believing that the partnership part of romantic relationships was the part that should be the loudest. I, for no other reason than the fact that it made perfect sense to me, have always understood that being with a partner that would expect me to carry the full weight of all domestic labour was an unsustainable endeavour that I had no interest in taking on.

I also remember being very grateful to Sheryl’s highlighting of my own biases that I had observed in others but never quite paid careful attention to when it was time to confront myself in the mirror. Since then when feeling of dislike for another woman I ask myself whether I am simply taking part in the Heidi versus Howard case study and disliking a woman disproportionately simply because of her gender and nothing else. This little tool has been helpful to me. It has helped me keep a level head around the likeability of other women as well as my own likeability… that is until recently.

Over the past few months I have found myself overly worried about my likeability as it directly correlates to my, for lack of a better word, professional success. This is very new territory for me. I have almost wholeheartedly become accustomed to worrying about my likeability as it relates to my general personality. I have of course grown up (hello 30!) and in my last year in my twenties let go of the notion that there is something wrong with my personality. So no, this is not one of those self-deprecating blogs.

I have, however, found myself in professional spaces wondering whether or not I am too much of an angry black woman given my very strong stances on transformation in my particular field. I have thought about how I could easily be shooting myself in the foot because I am fully aware that I walk into rooms; black, a woman, opinionated and with a sense of belief in my opinions and that might not always land softly in some rooms.

This past weekend I lazily re-watched Sheryl Sandberg’s TedTalk on leaning in. I went in hoping that it would be a simple solution. That I would somehow reach into the depths of my psyche that would remind me who I was and why I needed to be where I was; black, a woman, opinionated and with a sense of belief in my opinions. I really was hoping that I would find my problem, name it and get to the business of fixing it.

Unfortunately to my disappointment I still have no solution. This in no way is a criticism of the book seven years later. It was a book that needed to be written and it was a book that never claimed to describe the full spectrum of all the intersections of womanhood. So because of this I hold no grudges. With that being said though I found myself still in need of a solution.

I recently went on a yoga retreat with a group of amazing black women and I found it interesting that I was not the only person who felt this way. I was not the only one who has been wondering whether I am in the way, whether I am too much to handle and whether my opinions should be voiced out loud. It appears there is some sort of bug going around that is making us all wonder whether we are worthy enough to be in the rooms we are in. The experience I had with those women a few weeks ago has been carrying me through and ringing in my head and I hear their voices every time I feel like I need to step out waving my angry black woman flag. And I must say knowing that I am not alone in this experience, that a group of amazing and self-assured women have also found themselves similar situations to mine. The experiences I shared with those women reminded me that I am not fortunate enough to be in a position where a lot of people who look like me are allowed to speak and speak loudly at that. I am in a position of tremendous privilege and with this comes an awareness that we need more of us.

And so I have decided to lean into the wonderful women I went walking with in the rain and I have realised that I may not like the eyes that stare back, this gnawing feeling of being disliked and the other emotions that come with voicing opinions that may seem like a hammer among powder brushes – I do however have a responsibility to myself and others like myself. I hope that going forward I will dig into this responsibility and steer clear of leaning into the fear that comes with the self-doubt. Honestly, I hope I will lean into whatever I can get my hands on because a lot of things are options, but leaning back is definitely not one of them.