Hello there dear reader-friend. Welcome to my first blog post of 2020, I hope the first 25 days of the year have treated you well and you have been treating yourself with kindness. I think kindness is very important this time of the year. Everyone walks into the New Year with a list of things they’d like to accomplish and that is when the world tends to be a bit delicate for us to navigate because we are all walking around with an immense amount of pressure on our shoulders trying to become a better version of who we are. Since I am as basic as can be I also came into 2020 with a pocket full of resolutions and wide eyes filled with hope. One of these resolutions is to definitely put in less screen time and more reading time. 

Less screen is taking some time to dial down but the more reading time is definitely increasing at an exponential rate and that is because of my new best buddy the Kindle. 

I received a kindle as a Christmas present and the excitement around the kindle is still heavy in me so that is going a long way in helping me keep on track with my resolution. I find myself reading constantly and I am having time of my life reading. One month down the line here is my very biased review on the kindle. I really think that if you’d like to get into reading and you can afford to spend some money upfront to simplify the act of reading you definitely should invest in this wonderful tiny reading device, here’s why –  

I get to read anywhere and everywhere: 

I read while waiting in lines, I read while traveling (I have been lucky enough to be carpooling to work so I have had plenty of reading time) and I squeeze in reading during lunch and right before bed which used to be hard for me. I used to struggle reading in bed because I could never figure out the correct angle for me to hold a book, the light was also a problem because I would struggle to fall asleep after and I feel like all of that is resolved now. While I do miss the beauty that came with touching and feeling a book I do enjoy the convenience of not being afraid to bend the book out of shape to fit my reading needs. Now that that is all resolved and I getting into reading with a bit less preciousness attached to reading – I am reading because I enjoy it and not because books are beautiful keepsakes to protect and display, it’s taken the strain out of reading. 

The size of the kindle is also very portable and convenient so it fits in my work back pack, in my lunch bag (where I actually keep it) and in my smallest (favourite) “handbag”. It isn’t bulky so I feel less conscious about dragging it out or carrying it in my hand since it is about the size of two cell phones.

I always have more than one book: 

When I think of reading one of the things I think back to was Rory’s character on Gilmore Girls and how Rory carried a book with her everywhere she went. Whilst I am a bit older now and I realise that maybe that was a tad false and unrealistic I have always wanted to be able to do the same. I have tried it in the past where I made sure that I had a book in my work bag at all times however this was unsustainable for me because I am what I call a moody reader which means thatI read according to how I feel. Sometimes I feel like my life needs some structure and that’s when I turn to serious, non-fiction books and sometimes I feel like being thrilled and/or distracted so I need fiction to transport me to a new world. The kindle works perfectly for this because it’s a few books in my pocket and I can read whatever feeds my mood when I am in that mood.

Better Book for your Buck:

I am not sure if there have been any actual savings on my kindle due to paying less for books. Since the books are all in USD and I am South African I wonder whether it will actually translate in Rands to any actual savings. For example, my current read is Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone is currently R271 (hardcover) on loot.co.za and I purchased it for R173 meaning I am paying at least R100 less and this is before taking shipping into account. So in some respects it does look like I will be able to break even on the initial cost at some point?

Does it compare to reading on other devices:

I have wondered whether this gift is an unnecessary indulgence. Whether I actually need it and whether I could not just outsource all my other devices to doing what my kindle does.

As someone who has challenged myself to consume less. This is driven by the realisation that 1) things don’t really bring everlasting joy and that they shouldn’t and 2) the more I consume the more resources needed to produce and the planet does not need that. So I have wondered why couldn’t use my phone or my tablet to fill the gap and make reading more convenient for myself. I realise that this is a “nice to have” but then again at this point in my life most things are and that’s something I need to be honest about. I acknowledge that most things will not move the needle for me in terms of the basic needs of Marslow’s Hierarchy of needs but maybe they will move me towards the higher end of the pyramid to those “luxury” needs that so few of us get to experience, and at this point in my life that makes this tiny device completely worth it. 

So in conclusion you should buy the kindle if you’d like to read more because it’s useful and convenient. If you are okay with never touching real book, not having a full home library that you can occasionally stare at or if you maybe want to have an alternative to the books you already have, especially those you want to make notes on.

Thank you for reading, until next time – may 2020 treat you with kindness. 🙂

It has only been three days since the last 10 lessons but I think we need to wrap this up before the year is over. Hello friends and happy New Years Eve.

I am spending this morning hiking because I did this last year in Wilderness and found that it was the best way for me to spend New Years Eve. I have never been a New Years Eve person, there’s so much funfair and excitement around the day that it has always been anxiety inducing for me but last year I discovered the best way to deal with it is to be out with the trees and my very wise walking companion who I am more likely to listen to when I am outside because then he doesn’t have to compete with Netflix for my attention. In fact this little ritual that I am now going to make annual inspired lesson number 23. So I have decided to type this out and set it up that it is published at 10am on December 31st. Yeah I am fancy like that now.

(A little bit of an edit, the hike did not happen as I decided to make way to meet a new human who I am very excited about.)

Let’s get into it, here is part 3 and the last part of my 30 lessons in 30 years. Do enjoy.

21. You don’t need as many clothes as you have been conditioned to think you do. I understand the need for self-expression and the purpose that fashion serves as art, but the fact remains that we do not need 52 seasons and we as humans have normalised this. I will admit that this lesson is slightly preachy, but I needed to say it. Please, in your consumption of clothing less is definitely not more but why is more the goal anyway? Maybe we need to interrogate why we have been conditioned to view “more” as the pinnacle of happiness.
22. Eat your vegetables. The greens, the carbs and everything in between. Just do it.
23. Spend as much time as you can outside, I know this can be challenging. We spend so much time and effort making sure that the insides of our living paces is so beautiful and perfect that leaving and visiting the sun seems like less of a priority but trust me there is something about the sun that is renewing in a way that no couch can renew. So get outside as often as you can.
24. Not all failures are there to teach you lessons – sometimes you really do just fail (taken from Dwight Schrute on The Office). And maybe that’s the lesson.
25. Be kind. It takes absolutely nothing from you to be kind in a terribly unkind world. I would like to challenge all of us to be a little more kind in 2020 and beyond, in the event that you find unkindness threatening to seep through your pores and onto someone who you have for some reason decided deserves it – count to ten and back away. Be kinder, it’s easier.
26. For women: Anger is a justified human emotion, sometimes your angry and people will squirm at the sight of an angry woman, they will have to deal. They will wonder why you aren’t soft, they will wonder why you aren’t silent and they will try and make you feel like you are unjustified in your anger, this is a casual reminder that you are allowed to be angry. Men do not have a monopoly on anger.
27. There is a lot of injustice in the world, be aware and use your voice when you can.
28. Eggplant is disgusting.
29. If you are in a room where you feel like you aren’t welcome or that you are welcome on the condition that you hide or shrink certain parts of yourself those are the rooms that you should show up in your fullness. Pump your chest out, raise your voice because the gatekeepers of those rooms need to see people like you there taking up space. They need to know that even when you are fearful and uncomfortable you will still show up in your true form and question them at every turn. People need to be questioned, don’t be afraid to be the one doing the questioning. And when you are being questioned be opened to the fact that you do not know everything and that is okay.
30. Wellness is made up of more components than weight loss. I think I am still learning this. It is taking a long time because I have had hips since I was ten years old so I have been trying to lose weight (hips really) since I was ten years old. I have been confused in thinking the smaller the size of my hips the healthier I was. In 2012, I was probably the smallest I have ever been since I crossed over into my twenties and yet that was one the toughest years in my life as my mind was too broken and too scattered to actually enjoy anything. Food, people, experiences, you name it, it all felt empty and I am now realising that was because I was so wrong about wellness. So here is the lesson, the final lesson; in order to be well you have to make sure that all aspects of your human experience is well. This will take time. This will come and go as you move through all phases of your life and that is completely acceptable.

Like I said in the beginning I am now fancy and have set this blog to be posted on December 31^st at 10:00, so here’s to wishing you joy in the last few hours of 2019 and that 2020 brings prosperity and ease in your life.

Thanks for reading. Please leave a comment on some lessons you think I have missed or letting me know how you found this post.

Nthabi 🙂 

I think there has been enough time between the last ten lessons and this post to warrant the next ten lessons. So sit back, grab a glass of your favourite drink and enjoy the second part of my 30 lessons in 30 years.

Since I posted the first 10 lessons a few things have happened: I hung out with my parents and it was just the three of us, this is usually hard because they have other children (parents, am I right?) and I made a trip to the North West and visited my grandma’s grave and finally gave her the gift I got for her in Venice.

I think between then and now I have probably learnt more about grief, about family and about life in general. However, I haven’t changed the rules from what I put down when I wrote this the first time around, so here goes lesson number 11 to 20. I hope you find them useful.

11. Start over when you need to. Let me first give a disclaimer that the ability to start over is in itself a tremendous privilege, not everyone can for a lot of real reasons. This lesson however is one I felt I needed to reiterate mainly for myself. So yes I know, this is not always practical, but if you can and if you want to, start over as many times as you can.
12. Let people be. If no one is getting hurt, let people be.
13. Do not let people be. If “let people be” means that people get a pass for being racist, sexist, ableist, classist, homophobic, transphobic and any other thing that seeks to discount the humanity of others, you should definitely not let those people be. If their being is centered in disqualifying the “being” of others, they should definitely not be left to be.
14. Get some sleep, just do it. I know, you think there are things you could be doing to move yourself forward or whatever but trust me, sleep.
15. Friends are the family we choose. Treat them with kindness and stay where you are also treated with kindness.
16. Humans are social beings. Yes even introverts who have been known to feel drained after social encounters need humans and human relationships. So invest in human relationships, be it with family, friends, strangers on the bus, co-workers or romantic partners, put in the effort that you expect. Do not feel bad for needing human interactions, nurture these relationships.
17. Say “please”, “thank you” and “sorry”. And mean it.
18. If you find yourself in a room speaking from a position of privilege and the people you are speaking on behalf of are in the room, pass the mic. Pass the mic and let them speak for themselves.
19. Saying “I don’t know” is a great way to answer a question when you don’t know the answer. Try not to take up time pretending you know something when you don’t, if it’s important to you learn the answer and then come back to answer the question.
20. Tell the people you love that you love them, tell them often. Even if it feels weird at first, keep saying it until those you love live with the certainty and comfort of your love. I think about this often, how the last real conversation I had with my gran was not only me telling her I love her but making sure that she heard that I loved her and that she said it back. So, tell those you love that you love them often, not because they might not be here today but because it’s the truth and being told you are loved and knowing it to be true is one of the best feelings in the world.

I hope you’ve found value in my lessons and will be keeping them in mind as we get closer to 2020 and those resolutions are rearing their beautiful heads. If I had to choose a favourite it would be number 20. I think a lot of us go through life with a heaviness that convinces us that we aren’t loved or maybe we don’t deserve to be loved, be the person who reminds those you love that you love them. Most of the time honestly it does not feel life changing, it doesn’t feel like the most important thing in the world but sometimes it does, and isn’t it sweet and wonderful when it does?

See you next time for the last ten lessons. 

I am turning 30 in exactly one month and four days. This is a big deal for me because I am one of those people who have always wanted to be older, so turning 30 is something I have been looking forward to for quite some time.

With that being said, I am however extra nervous about turning 30 because as much I have wanted to turn 30 all my life, this will be the first birthday I have without my grandmother. My grandmother used to make a big deal about my birthday, everyone’s birthday really, but mine was always extra special. I remember her calling into Motsweding FM and wishing me a happy birthday annually, the pink and elaborate cakes with my name on them and the very pitchy birthday song singing every year throughout my childhood. As I got older and she and I no longer lived together she was always the first to call me and sing for me and generally brighten my day before I knew that it needed brightening up. I am trying to manage the fact that next year, on the 26th of January, there will be no phone call from her. I will wake up knowing that I will not hear her voice; not first thing in the morning and not any time during the day either. So, I expect some friction and maybe sadness towards turning 30 because I won’t have her singing and making a big deal about this little girl who loved her grandmother fiercely.

I am pre-empting my sadness. My therapist would say that I should rather focus on the now, how am I feeling right at this present moment. This is my way of offering a compromise; I have come up with 30 lessons (super hard by the way) I have learnt in the past thirty years of being alive. I think this is the perfect medley of the past, present and future. These are reminders, mental notes and things to look to in the future when faced with self-doubt, the noises and opinions of the world and maybe when I get the ludicrous idea to do this again at 31 and I need a reason not to do it.

A quick edit. After writing these I realised that 30 lessons in one post is a lot to take in, so I have decided to break up the lessons in batches of 10. So, this is the first post of 3 posts. Enjoy.

So here goes, 30 lessons: Lesson 1 – 10.

1. Always greet people when you walk into a room. This always bears repeating. Greet people when you walk into a room, it takes nothing from you, but it acknowledges the presence of the people in the room. There is no depth, there is no bigger lesson, it’s really just that simple – greet people when you walk into a room.
2. Drink water. This has become quite common advice, I know. People have claimed that it’s what gives you clear skin and it helps you mind your own business. I don’t know if any of this is true but what I know is that water is the ultimate thirst quencher, that (free) clean water is a luxury and that your body needs water to operate at it’s near optimal level.
3. Move your body – this is more of a reminder for myself because I keep forgetting how great it is and how great I feel after moving my body. Dance, run, stretch, do yoga, walk, do whatever makes you feel good but move your body as often as you can.
4. “No” and “I don’t want to” are complete answers.
5. Try not to spend too time much agonising about food. This can be food you’ve eaten, food you’d like to eat or food that everyone has decided is bad. I think we all have our issues with food and those reasons differ. I have been part of many conversations wherein either myself or the other person was stressing over food and I have often found myself thinking “surely this can’t be good for my mental health” – so try not sweat what you eat so much. If you can reach a balance that is good for your mental and physical health, that’s good enough in my opinion.
6. Wear sunscreen.
7. You don’t have to respond to every text, every email or every request immediately. Take time to think if and when you need it. Work on not feeling guilty about this, if you need to send a text back letting the other person know that you still need to think through whatever is being required of you, then do that. But give yourself room to think and work through what you need to work through.
8. Get a re-usable water bottle. Helps with lesson number 2, helps the oceans and helps save time by not having to wash glasses. It’s a win-win honestly.
9. If you are a black woman: the world sees your hair as political. The world has decided what you deserve, how smart you are and whether beauty is a word that can be assigned to you based on how you wear your hair. That however does not mean you have to give a damn about it. Wear your hair how you want it, do it at different phases in your life or don’t. Try not to let what people say about your hair affect your relationship with it.
10. Have fun and define what fun is for yourself. I still don’t know how to do this consistently, but when I think back to that one time when I was completely free and only concerned myself with having fun it was pretty great. The memory that comes to mind was letting my husband cover me in sand on a beach in Ramsgate. That was a good day because I was with someone I really like, I wore a skimpy bikini with NO SHORTS for the first time ever (the ocean kept pulling down my shorts so I gave up on keeping them on) and I giggled the whole day. We tend to forget to have fun in our day to day lives. We get caught up in being busy and being productive. But life is long enough without taking time out to laugh from the pits of your soul, do that as often as you can, have fun and invest in learning what fun is for you.

I hope you’ve found value in my lessons and will be keeping them in mind during this festive season, especially rule number #2. I know I’m not supposed to have favourites but it’s a classic for a reason.