I reached breaking point sometime last year in a shopping mall.

I decided that if I wasn’t interacting with men I didn’t know outside my home I would not greet them. I greeted strange men out of fear. All my life that’s what I did, I greeted men I didn’t know out of fear because I wasn’t sure that if I didn’t greet them they’d let me get home safely.

This fear wasn’t unwarranted. I’d heard men speak about how women who didn’t smile and who thought they were better than then deserved to be humbled by being harmed. I’d also experienced this.

I’d been followed. I’d been sworn at. I’d had bottles thrown at me by men who didn’t know me but felt they deserved me and my attention. So I greeted, I smiled, I held my breath and when I got home I’d breathe out and celebrate another day I made it home safely.

But last year this niceness stopped. I was walking through a mall for a while. I stopped somewhere to check something on my phone and someone tapped me on my shoulder, it was a security guard who then informed me that he had been following me around through the mall and that he liked my body. I stood there quietly. I realised that if anything happened to me my first instinct would have been to contact security for safety. But here was a man I didn’t know, following me and proudly declaring this. I balled my hands up in a fist and walked to my car and abandoned the trip altogether. I was defeated and scared.

I got home, a stubborn resolve settled in my chest and I decided never again! I will not be approaching or be approached by men and give them the benefit of a doubt. I am not smiling. I am not greeting. I am not begging you to leave me alone anymore. I am not begging you not to harm me that day only to wake up and leave my house and beg another man to not harm me the next day. I am tired. I have known fear because of my body all my life.

What men pretend to not realise is that this fear taints every part of our lives. I say pretend because you all know.

I put off going to certify documents at the police station because last time I was there, certifying documents, my grandmothers death certificate to be exact, a man decided that it would be appropriate to tell me about my body and how good it looked to him.

When I buy clothing I stay away from anything that’s too tight or short because I have had so many men stop me and give me speeches about what my clothing does to them, because they know if they harmed me my clothes will be blamed.

I don’t like long braids because it’s easy for someone to pull my hair. Short hair is harder to grab.

This week I told someone that I have to go running before the sun sets before a meeting and he didn’t say anything because we both knew why I had to do that. I am a South African woman, if anything happened to me they’d ask why I thought it was appropriate to run at night… in leggings… alone.

So here’s my deal I am sticking to my plan. I am not showing you any decency. You’ve shown me countless times you do not deserve it. Through how you treat me and other women. I am sure even now someone will read this and think “If anything happens to her she’ll deserve it for being rude” .

I am sharing this for the men who are on here not because I want your pity or applause. I need you to speak to your homies. Speak to your brothers. Speak to your fathers. Speak to your friends. Speak to your cousins. We are tired. We are scared. And none of us, none of us, deserve this.